His breath kindleth coals, and a flame goeth out of his mouth

I was scared at first so I only tried a small dab on a chip. My taste buds never noticed the flavor as they were all immediately set to cursing and swearing in a tirade against me. Powdered glass lined my throat with every breath. My head turned into a big sweaty tomato and my feet started walking me in circles around the kitchen.

I’m not sure if it was my own thought, an angel from above or my wife who was watching me, but someone called me an idiot. I would have responded, but my tongue was in revolt and my throat had revoked all passes–nothing in or out.

After six or seven minutes I crawled back to do it again. I shook the bottle hard and the thick sauce landed in a small glob.


I stared for six or seven seconds thinking of my manhood and decided to fear nothing so small. I remember my wife rolling her eyes, and I remember stepping on one of my children, but not much else is clear until I was standing over the toilet holding a box fan and praying to God. After thirty minutes my temperature dropped back down into the triple digits and the tears and hiccups finally stopped.

I spent most of the night thinking about life and death and decided to give it a couple of days before trying again. I hope you like it as much as I did!